Quenched Desires...

so i sit. i sit before you and weep. i weep at my constant inability to be steadfast...i weep with that inability not as a disability, but rather a blessing that it is a fraction of me that makes me pursue Christ with all i have.

i have often sprinted in a million directions, just attempting to catch glimpses of His will for me. the theory here is that if i pursue a little bit of the things i enjoy and a little of the things i am repulsed by (in terms of ministry options) that it will be easier to let go of the ones which i am thirsty for, and easier still to pick up the ones i don't want to do. i have accepted a lie, actually several that God will always make you do what He desires and it is separate from my desires, for they are awful. it comes back to the original lie...that i am not His child, for if i were i would see that He has hidden within me my very emotions and hopes...
reflections of Him...

the other day as i was pacing about at CHOP, Jesus walked with me. He said that He was made to wear a crown of thorns-upon lies-and i argued, "but Lord you are not a liar!" and He very simply asked, "then why do you say i am?" ouch. i do. constantly. i reject praise and compliment. not only that, but when i am clearly given a word to speak, i tend to say things like, "i'm not sure but i feel like..." "i'm a little crazy, this might not make any sense, but"---and how dare i? how dare i offer comprimise on anything the Lord offers?

it has been impressed upon me this week that we don't know who we are. that i certainly have no idea. and i think i've worried that knowing and desiring to understand who i am in God, in the Kingdom, would fuel my self righteous thoughts...but that is a bigger lie still. it is in love that He desires i know HIm, and therby who i am in HIm...that can lead to nothing but humilty-as it is from pure love.

and so i'm back in Christianity 101. no more diluted truth. i want to release the things in my hand which i have nearly smothered by holding so tightly...the hopes and fears of their unfulfilment. i want what's in His hands...poured out.