what do you do when...

i should rather have titled this post, 'when everything seems to go oh so wrong'...i have just discovered about 5 minutes ago that a crockpot concoction that i'm trying to make for a friend's family, is presently still pretty raw---so i have cranked it up and am praying that the Lord allows a perfect turnout. otherwise, they'll be eating 10 muffins for dinner this evening, before the head of their fabulous household, Chris, goes in to have an insulin producing tumor removed from his pancreas. that doesn't sound fantastic, at all.

as things seem more and more like an enormous series of obstacles in our life, i am beginning to ask if i may have prayed something in the likeness of being truly poor in spirit and finance. for some time i have desired to live a Sermon on the Mount lifestyle, but i fear our situation has far surpassed this, in all the wrong ways. "did i ask to be completely humbled?" apparently, yes. God is revealing all the ickies as it were. it's also evident that there are still roots of shame, festering just beneath the surface, in which i feel terribly ashamed at our life situation, and am becoming more and more aware of it.

i think the worst thing about neither of us having a direction, or understanding what to do or where to go, in addition to being so financially burdened we're living on cracklin' oat bran, or to be so quickly dismissed by those closest to us---well, those are just the beginnings of hurt. what hurts the most is the evidence of God in our lives, through a word of knowledge here or there, or michael being privileged to see an angel of light exploding in front of him-but that nothing else seems to move. everything is in this seemingly ugly place of stagnancy. and i've quickly realized that it may not change, ever. and it may in fact worsen. but still we must wait. we must persist even though we feel more ineffective and useless than ever before. we go through periods where we scramble, and try to create our own cistern, but they inevitably fail. so what do you do when the Lord's cisterns seem equally frustrating? filled enough with sustenance, but seemingly on the precipice of drying up completely?

additionally irritating is the way i'm realizing people discuss and preach evidence of fruit in peoples lives. there is nothing more hurtful than listening to the message, repeatedly, of how you can tell if the Church is moving and pursuing Gods heart, and laying completely prostrate in obedience to Him, by how blessed they are in one manner or another. what do you do then if you're trying and persisting, and worshiping and still nothing comes? are you one of these fruitless individuals who has deep hidden sin and disobedience to God? dangerous to the Kingdom? thereby also making you vulnerable to the commentary of others in their judgement because you deserve it? well, i'm fairly certain we don't have any deep hidden sin and aren't planning on robbing a bank sometime soon.

i've had people in my life who alluded to the fact that we were financially distressed because we were supposed to be learning something...and then it was because we were disobedient...and then because we were being forced into relationships to be ministered to (oh that was my absolute favorite,say i with too much smugness)--or maybe a heap of unforgiveness is "blocking the blessing". i'm sorry my God is bigger than all this nonsense. while, honestly perhaps all of these things have a possible role or effect that Lord wishes to work on in our hearts, it's really beyond frustrating to listen to someone have and constantly alter their original definitive answer which made you feel like crap in the first place. not one of these offerings was ever attended to with true prayer---with true grace in the place of judgment and speculation. i've learned people become afraid and overwhelmed, and simply in their immediate desire to help us, offer what they think is advice, but is actually a nice way to have the enemy beat you over the head and forget that if any of the above were true, then grace is not yours to behold. it's dangerous territory folks.

so that's my rant and rave. i earnestly wish to see these ideas of fruitlessness be attended to in a different way...soon i'll share some ideas about the depth of the actual scriptures, but for now, i'm just rambling...